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Birth of the Tentacle Fiend

Andrea tore open the sachet and emptied the white powder into her glass. Immediately she caught a whiff of something unpleasant and she recoiled involuntarily.

“Are you sure I can’t offer you anything?” asked her friend Stephanie, munching on a chocolate doughnut.

Andrea shook her head. It was typical of Stephanie to try to tempt her with sugary treats just when she was about to start another diet. And it was typical of Andrea to firmly resist.

“You know you’re not actually fat, right?” continued Stephanie cheerily. “So what if your butt looks a little big in that dress? You normally look fine. Just don’t wear stuff that’s so clingy…”

“Great. Thanks for that,” replied Andrea sarcastically, giving her friend a mildly annoyed look.

“Sorry,” said Stephanie, trying to look contrite while sucking icing off her thumb. “You know, I think it’s really cool how you have so much willpower. I couldn’t do it. So what’s that stuff again?”

“It’s a new meal-replacement shake. You can’t get it here yet. I imported it from Japan,” replied Andrea. “Someone linked it on Facebook.”

“What’s so great about it?”

“It makes you feel full, but it’s got negative calories,” said Andrea.

“Negative calories?” asked Stephanie incredulously.

“Yeah. You’re supposed to lose weight just by drinking it.” Andrea felt dumber just for saying the words.

“You know that’s impossible, right?” asked Stephanie, using a tone of voice usually reserved for placating dangerous mental patients.

“Doesn’t hurt to try.” Andrea got up from Stephanie’s kitchen table and went over to the sink. “I think you’re supposed to mix it with warm water.”

Stephanie picked up the packet and regarded it suspiciously. “Are you sure? This is all in Japanese.”

The mixture smelt even worse with water added. Andrea stirred it with a spoon, her nose crinkled with revulsion. The thick, white concoction had the texture of mucus.

“I can’t believe you’re going to drink that,” said Stephanie, admiring her friend’s dedication.

Andrea was having serious doubts herself, but she didn’t want to look stupid in front of Stephanie. “Bottoms up!”

She downed half the mixture in one gulp, then promptly wished she hadn’t. It felt stringy and globby in her mouth, like partially-blended oysters, and the smell was truly rank. Once, twice, three times she retched, but she managed to keep it down.

“Are you okay?” asked Stephanie, a concerned look on her pretty features.

“I feel violated!” choked Andrea, tears running down her face.

“So what’s it taste like?” laughed Stephanie.

“It’s a bit salty. Do you want some?” asked Andrea, proffering the half-full glass.

Stephanie demurred. “I think I’ll pass. Is it working yet?”

“Well, I definitely don’t feel hungry now,” replied Andrea with a laugh. She tipped the rest down the sink, watching in revulsion as it slowly oozed down the plug hole. She wondered what she was going to do with the ten remaining boxes of the stuff.

“Hey, guess what?” chirped Stephanie. “I went shopping this morning. Wanna come and see what I got?”

“Sure!” replied Andrea, following Stephanie to her bedroom.


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