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(The Premiere, continued...)

Matt’s next date is persistently knocking at his door, so you go for option one to get things moving. He heads into his bedroom and returns with some white granules in a jar.

“This is salt,” you observe.

“It’s enchanted salt,” he assures you. “You man the popcorn stand, right? Sprinkle it on her box, if you forgive the expression. If she likes it ‘sweet’, you’re stuffed, but if she digs it salty, then you’ll get to stuff her.”

“What are you talking about?” you say.

“Just give her the damn salt.”


On the night of the premiere, you’re manning the popcorn stand, working your ass off to serve everyone food and drinks. By the time the film starts, however, the foyer is almost empty.

“I need my break,” you say to your ‘boss’.

“No fuckin’ way,” says Sally, The Popcorn Girl.

You might have found her attractive if she hadn’t been such a pain in the ass on a nightly basis. An added complication to your attraction to her is that she’s a lesbian who only has eyes for girls with long, blonde hair, so you don’t stand a chance with her on a number of counts. You consider perhaps using your enchanted salt on her, but you don’t have all that much and you decide to use it all on Scarlett.

You fill a box with popcorn and leave, saying: “You can take this out of my salary.”

You are largely unnoticed as you make your way through the dark cinema. The stealth potion works a treat. A minute later you’re up in the viewing box, feet away from Scarlett. She looks fantastic, wearing big sunglasses even during the movie, and you hear her commenting on the current scene with her friend or lover or aid or security or whoever. The guy she’s with stares at you with shock and then she does too.

“You didn’t get popcorn,” you whisper and you hand her the box.

“That’s because I don’t eat popcorn,” she says.

“You’ll like this,” you assure her. “Salt or sweet?”

“You’re sweet,” says Scarlett, flirting gently. “So I’ll take salt for balance.”

She thinks it’s a bit weird that you wait around for her try the popcorn, but she humors you and pops a few in her mouth.

Moments later, she removes her sunglasses and drops them on the floor. She accidentally crushes them under a heel when she stands, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Her eyes are only on you. All over you in fact.

“I need more,” she says.

You motion to the box of popcorn and Scarlett throws it over her shoulder.

“You, you idiot. I’m talking about you! I want more. I need to touch you.”

“Not here,” you say.

She kicks off her heels so that she can keep up with you.

You get back to the popcorn booth, which has a very small adjoining ‘office’ in which Sally is doing her stock checking. Her mouth falls open when she sees Scarlett Watson looking gorgeous in her red silk dress.

“Oh my God,” she says. “Scarlett! You’re my idol. I’ve got posters of you on my bedroom wall. You’re so beautiful. So awesome. So … Why are you touching Horatio like that?”